Our Michael

I've often thought about what I would say when I began to write on this subject. The last tumultuous year peaked in July with the hardest think that our family has ever faced. We had to both welcome, and say goodbye to our 6th child, Michael Kenneth, who was stillborn at 37 weeks due to a sudden, undetectable problem with the placenta. In just 12 short minutes, he went from being here to not. I knew exactly as it happened, what was happening, and was powerless to stop it. It was an utter shock!

I think that the most difficult part of the grieving process hit me last night as I checked in on my others in their beds. Philip had made a spinner out of a box with initials for each child in our family: B for Brennan, N for Nicholas, P for himself, J for Jonathan, A for Abigail, ... M for Michael. Still 11 months later, we talk about him, remembering the member of our immediate family who is no longer with us.

We still think of Michael as our "baby". When others ask me "how many children?" or the boys "how many brothers/sisters?", we think about Michael before we answer. I want to say 6, but then I would have to explain, because obviously people can count! And I don't really feel like always explaining, or even more I do not want to make others uncomfortable, and I know it will.

So I answer "5". I don't say anything about Michael. And my heart feels heavy all over again, because I feel that I have just denied our baby and his important place in our family. I continue to grieve in silence. And that is the hardest part of the entire process.

In Bloom

I need to get a picture of the new house with the flowers in bloom! They are fabulous! What with me being a horticultural illiterate and all, I had no idea in January what the sad looking bushes were around our house. Okay, I knew the rose bushes, and that was pretty exciting with as much as I loved mine back in Houston. And I guessed that one tree was a plum tree (I was wrong). But now that a spring and summer have passed, I have a better idea. Hey, I at least know what color the flowers are!

First the rose bushes are beautiful: I have red, purple, white, orange, and a hybrid orange with yellow like I had before. The bushes in the front are junipers, which have tiny purple flowers (I don't have to tell anyone who knows me well how much I love purple!). The large bushes on the side are either hydrangeas or something similar with both light and dark purple blossoms! I could sit in a chair and just watch these beautiful buds! How crazy is that!

The "not a plum" tree turned out to be a fuji apple tree which has a couple dozen tiny apples on it right now. There is a gorgeous redbud, with a few pecan trees at the back.

And what is Colin's favorite part? That there are NO pine trees to drip sap on our cars!

Thinking back...

Today, I am in Lawton, OK with the kids while visiting my family. Today I will go to my brother Philip's "new" house. It will be exciting as he (okay, my sister-in-law) shows us the new paint colors and how each room will become their own. I love the excitement and anticipation of someone moving into a new home. But this will be a little surreal, because this home is not all that "new" to me. For the previous 42 years, this had been Grandma's home.

It has been 13 months since I lost my grandma, who was a third parent to us growing up. She taught me so much, from sewing, how to clean (at least she tried - she was so patient with me!), and how to be there for family. Grandma was the one who picked us up, in that rust brown Buick, when Mom and Dad were late getting off work. Grandma was the one who always had a great breakfast on the table when you awoke, to having a wonderful dinner there in the evening. Everyone who comments about how I can make gravy, well that is thanks to Grandma. Grandma was the one who always listened with understanding, yet would bluntly let you know just what she thought, whether it was what you wanted to hear or not. And she was nearly always right!

I know that she is in a better place, as she was physically suffering at the end and I know it is great that she no longer has to endure that. But it still seems "off" to be back in Lawton, and know that I cannot spend late evenings reminiscing with Grandma. She always had a story to tell, even that last afternoon I spent with her just 15 short months ago. We still love her, and I miss her.

But it is time for new memories to be made in that house. I am thankful that it is still "in the family". My nephews and niece will continue to fill it with laughter and joy. I am excited to see where these new adventures will take our family!

Apartment Living

Colin and I had not lived in an apartment since we were first married. It was the two of us and the cat. I remember when we moved into that house in Houston, oh how big it felt! Fast forward 12 years and 5 kids later (with lots and lots of stuff!), and we found ourselves living in an apartment once more.

The biggest drawback to apartment living with children was the lack of a yard. Our kids were so used to spending their afternoons climbing trees, swinging, and playing ball. Our complex did not have any place suitable for these activities. Abigail, who is an outdoor child if I ever saw one, couldn't even be out without adult supervision, as she would end up in the parking lot. It is no wonder that our biggest "must have" for our new home was a large, fenced in yard!

I also was out of the habit of hiking from the back of a large parking lot with groceries (and now children) in tow. That added a good 5-7 minutes to any errand. But I did get my exercise! Our kitchen was small (as apartment kitchens are), but we didn't even unpack our dishes and used paper plates for 8 months. Don't know what that did for our carbon footprint, but boy clean up was a breeze!

We were fortunate in the inside space we had. We had 3 large bedrooms, one big enough for all 4 boys to share. We had a "loft" so the kids had a playroom for the first time ever (we loved that!). And we had a third bathroom! After a few months with that luxury, it quickly made our wants list for the new house!

Why were we in the apartment so long? Well, it took 6 weeks after we left our Houston house to get it fixed to where it could enter the market. The market was terrible, and at a slow time of year (Oct. - Jan.), so it took 90 days to sell our house, even priced reasonably and all fixed up. And then we bought a short sale - I may have a few interesting posts about that process!

But we love our new home! We are so glad we took the low risk route of selling before buying after hearing some real horror stories. Besides, now we have stories about teh memories we made in our cramped, but cozy apartment home! I will admit, though, that it is much easier to laugh about it now, than it was to actually live out the process!

You want me to do what?

One of the more memorable weeks leading up to our move was the week the painters came. We had to have everything in our house painted. The walls (even where Philip had painted a "Harold and the Purple Crayon" scene on the back of the boys' bathroom door), the ceilings, the closets, everything. So it was quite the thrill when they said that it would be easier to do it if we weren't in the house. Okay I get that. But I also have 5 kids (one of which is a rambunctious 2 year old) and I am also not supposed to lift anything, by the way. It was August, in Houston. Well, after spending one day at Mr. Gatti's (yes, a day!), and another at the mall, very leisurely picking out Lego sets that we took to the only covered pavilion that I knew of (and it was still way too hot), I had three more days to blow. Well, we tried the dollar theater. The only problem is that Abigail still wouldn't sit through a movie. I am sure that the boys enjoyed Kung Fu Panda 2, although so much for my dr's orders not to lift my squealing 2 year old (I was wrestling her in the back the entire time). You know, I can no longer remember how we spent that Thursday (I think we mostly played in our own yard, my thought at this point was that the painters were going to have to deal with it), and then Friday I had a dr's appointment and we were able to spend the rest of the day at a friend's house.

That week was the worst. Fortunately, the movers came the following week, and the rest of the house work was done without us even in the state. I know we wanted to try and get the house on the market as we left (it didn't happen anyway) so I really wish that we had just waited to do any work until after we were gone! Lessons learned the hard way!

Back into the saddle

I am going to attempt to resurrect my old blog in order to keep everyone up-to-date on our adventures. And we have had some big ones! I won't start with the easiest story, nor will I start with the most difficult - I am not sure I am ready to share that just yet. The easiest place to start is with The Big Move. Yes, we Texans have uprooted ourselves and are now proud New Mexicans. Let me say we love it here! Albuquerque weather is so. much. nicer! than Houston! Yes, we have not missed the mosquitoes and other general bugs, the 99% humidity, or the smog. At all. The air here is great, there are plenty of hiking camping opportunities, and we feel quite in our element. As Philip said so eloquently when we first got here, "God must have made New Mexico beautiful because he knew we would like it". We do not regret the move at all (although we would really like to pack up some wonderful people and bring them with us!).

But that is not to say that this has been easy. After 14 years in Houston, we had a surrogate family there that was the most awesome ever! It was hard to leave that and say "we will meet new people in New Mexico too". It was hard in this economy for Colin to leave a job where he had carved a niche for himself in order to start over again somewhere else. Now it turns out that his job here is exactly what he was looking for and an awesome opportunity, but he is having to make a name for himself all over again. That's a little scary! It was frightening to leave several homeschool groups which were fabulous supports for both the kids and myself under the hope that we would find something comparable here. It was difficult to sell a house in a down market and endure the stresses that accompany that little venture.

Let me just say, all of you military families and jobs where they move you constantly, my hat's off to you! I don't know how you do it! And while I am sure we made the absolute right decision for our family, I will be eternally grateful if I never, ever have to do all of that again! Hopefully in the coming weeks, I can share some side notes from this little adventure, as well as some other reflections from this past, tumultuous year!