Our Michael

I've often thought about what I would say when I began to write on this subject. The last tumultuous year peaked in July with the hardest think that our family has ever faced. We had to both welcome, and say goodbye to our 6th child, Michael Kenneth, who was stillborn at 37 weeks due to a sudden, undetectable problem with the placenta. In just 12 short minutes, he went from being here to not. I knew exactly as it happened, what was happening, and was powerless to stop it. It was an utter shock!

I think that the most difficult part of the grieving process hit me last night as I checked in on my others in their beds. Philip had made a spinner out of a box with initials for each child in our family: B for Brennan, N for Nicholas, P for himself, J for Jonathan, A for Abigail, ... M for Michael. Still 11 months later, we talk about him, remembering the member of our immediate family who is no longer with us.

We still think of Michael as our "baby". When others ask me "how many children?" or the boys "how many brothers/sisters?", we think about Michael before we answer. I want to say 6, but then I would have to explain, because obviously people can count! And I don't really feel like always explaining, or even more I do not want to make others uncomfortable, and I know it will.

So I answer "5". I don't say anything about Michael. And my heart feels heavy all over again, because I feel that I have just denied our baby and his important place in our family. I continue to grieve in silence. And that is the hardest part of the entire process.